there’s something changing in my life
there’s something changing in my life
I mean, as you know, because you are the subscriber of this list and I always talk about it also on instagram AND in my graphic journal, I’m going through a (gender) transition started back in december 2018. I date the beginning of my transition the day I went to this gender therapist and I vocalized out of my head and into the world: “I’m not a woman. I never been. I don’t want to be seen as a woman anymore (but I don’t want my daughter to lose her mother). and I’m a man even if I hate football and mechanics. ”
it took me almost two years to start HRT (hormones replacement therapy) and, even if I’m taking testosterone “only” since more than 1 year, the transitioning of my gender -and the world around me- started that day of 3 years ago.
my friend and activist Fox Fisher (who’s also a transmasculine fellow) once told me: when you transition, the world around you transitions too.
and this is so true.
since I started transitioning some friends and lovers left, some others came to my side. also my artistic work changed and I’m still into this trans-creative tunnel and I don’t don’t know what I will find at the end of it.
what is sure is that I can’t work the way I worked anymore. the lines and subjects and colors are different and sometimes I feel lost because I can feel that people who follow my work are lost too. like I don’t meet the expectations anymore?
or maybe not, because
sometimes I’m lost -and I need to pay the bills- and I try to opt for creating what I used to create before & I try to copy myself from the past and the result are often poor not only because the work I make is hybrid and meaningless but also because the response from you that follow my work is low and unengaged (?)
so, do this mean that who follow my works is transitioning too?
I think so!
because I never been so lost and unmotivated in drawing I realize that I always been so SURE of who I was artistically and where I wanted to go (now I don’t fucking know anymore). all my world is transitioning and all my creativity is shifting.
so I wait and only do what fells good.
I commit to follow what feels good in my body (exemple of the moment: i’m upcycling clothes) without listening what my mind say (“are you kidding me? are you doing f@shion when you live in a town no one knows? you are a punk you don’t have style”). because if I would listen what my mind say I would spend all my days in bed in fetal position. occasionally crying. ???????? and I don’t want that right?
so here I am spending my days painting on fabric, sewing and embroidering to find clothes that would fit all gender expression. am I transitioning career? am I wasting time? both of them ?
I never ever thought about style or about what to wear. but now that I’m more comfortable in my body I realize that I enjoy wearing clothes.
and I’m curious to know how buying clothing feels for you? where do you buy them? what you think it’s missing? hit replay if you want to share it all with me
I just came here to tell you that my clothing are now online and, as usual, I start talking about other things!! thanks for reading this old m@n ranting about creativity and art without giving a real solution.
I’m excited to share my clothes with you. hoping that you’ll like them and maybe buy and wear them. or also share them with whom you think might enjoy seeing that this kind of clothes exist.
you can find them (when available) in the shop section of this website:
www.nicozbalboastudio.com/store/
and one last thing! I’m getting burned out with transitioning and thinking about how to manage instagram, networking, working physically at the Strangeland, thinking about social media strategies , drawing etcetera that I was wondering if between you here there is someone who’s a community manager/social media witch-wizard/communication genius (that is also queer/queer friendly and in love with my work) that wanted to collaborate with me. hit me up with a CV and a motivation speech .
BYE